Torturing Dick Cheney: “Brutal, un-American, and ineffective”

The Senate Intelligence Committee has now released its report on the American people’s torture of Dick Cheney, and has reached three stark conclusions:

(1) The American people did indeed torture Cheney, repeatedly subjecting him to vilification, derision, and even well-justified criticism. The most notorious method – pointing out to his face that his peculiar blend of delusional arrogance had done far, far more damage to the integrity of America and its underlying values than all the world’s terrorists combined – was used repeatedly at a secret, black-ops prison known only as “Washington, D.C.”

(2) The American people, despite the trust placed in them by their elected leaders, repeatedly lied to Congress about these acts, denying that they loathed Cheney so much that the very sight of him made them want to hurl, and claiming implausibly that they were merely “concerned” by the possibility that Cheney’s policies might be the major cause of the very increase in terrorism they were allegedly bent on defeating.

(3) Worst of all, perhaps, the campaign of illegal violence was wholly ineffective. In fact, the report concludes, evidence strongly suggests that Dick Cheney’s extremist ideological mania was unchanged by all the criticism.

In presenting the report, Senator Diane Feinstein said that America was “better than this,” and should be “nicer” to pseudo-patriotic, morally repugnant, nation-wrecking creeps in the future.

There are no plans to prosecute the American people for their war crimes, or hand them down the long jail terms they might seem to deserve. As the President indicated, “that would be inconsistent with our traditions, which involve always letting criminals off provided only that the crime was a truly serious one and that they were in a position of power and official responsibility at the time they committed it.”